Black Man to Black Woman..Your Questions are Answered

We Black men have unending sexual staying power. We Black men will let you down in a crunch. We Black men are selfish. We Black men don't know how to treat a woman. All the good Black men are taken. These are a few of the lies that have become the bedrock of our national consciousness. Inaccurate, they still continue to be the gospel on the Black man in America. With no hard facts, it's no wonder Black women are desperate to separate fact from fiction and are more than a little curious to discover the real secrets of the Black male. They feel they don’t have the nerve to ask. Well, I asked myself the questions. And here, in this piece, I open up about my fears, needs, and secrets about life, dating, love and sex. I share the things - sometimes startling, sometimes controversial, but always insightful - I say every Black woman who loves a Black man should know. In everything from employment to education, Black men are constantly being told we can't measure up. We are very sensitive to rejection because so many of us started off with a sense of inferiority. The world made us feel that we couldn’t measure up. So when it comes to our love life we can be hypersensitive. Given this reality, Black women need to be aware of the power of their words. We remember the negative comments a woman makes to us, as if they'd been branded on our brain. We are, in general, possessive about our women: No one's talking about the kind of man who goes crazy when another man speaks to his girlfriend at a party. When I’m being possessive, I’m saying: Don't touch my woman. She's mine and no one else's. And that's a from-the-gut expression most Black men feel about their woman. The bottom line; when it comes to romance, I want to be the only one in my woman's life. The reasons for my attitude, so many things have been taken away from us Black men; we feel this lady is the one thing we can hold on to and should be able to hold on to. Right or wrong, when I am in love with a woman, I am very territorial about her. It comes down to the fact that I want - and expect - her to be mine exclusively. For me, love and sex are separate issues: I can make love without loving, sometimes purely for the sake of physical release. Love does improve sex for me; I just wish women would understand that, for most Black men, sex can be purely physical. They shouldn't assume because a man wants to sleep with her, he wants to be with her all of the time or marry her. That single understanding would save a lot of misunderstandings, arguments and hurt feelings. To me, women who come on strong are usually a turn-off to me. A come-on takes the control from me. I don’t like women to display their romantic interest aggressively. When a woman comes on to me, I feel off balance, out of control. I know it shouldn't make me uncomfortable but it does, especially when she comes on strong. The funny thing is, if she's interested, I definitely want her to let me know it. But it's all in the way she does it. A glance and a smile are worth a thousand come-and-get-it come-ons. I want honesty and intelligence in a woman, but I also want a pretty face and a nice body. I ain’t talkin about fair; I’m talkin reality here, not justice. A fine Black woman will hit you like a sledgehammer. Let's face it. A fine Black woman is an ego trip and a turn-on. This ain’t about the length of her hair. It is to say that if I don’t find a woman physically appealing first, I won’t be interested enough to spend time discovering her inner qualities. A lot of brothers constantly tell me they want it all - beauty and brains. I love Black women who just love being ultra-feminine: It makes me feel totally masculine. It allows me to demonstrate my masculinity. And I don’t think Black women relish their femininity as much as they'd like. Sometimes, for me, I feel that the Black woman is not feminine enough. By feminine, I don't mean women who act fragile, weak and helpless every time they're around a man. The women I find so appealing to me are those who highlight or celebrate the differences between the Black man and Black woman; Black women who aren't embarrassed or defiant about being a women but instead love it intensely, that can mean anything from wearing a certain perfume and silk camisoles to making it clear they enjoy having their bags carried and their car doors opened. Wow, the way we Black men think!!